OMG! Apple ARgh Headset Not Second Coming of iPhone Mojo

I’ve got to stop writing about Apple’s headset. It’s not good for my health. And, apparently, according to Ming-Chi Kuo, it’s not good for anybody. To summarize this story, you have to follow a three-act story arc.

Once upon a time, a plucky trillion-dollar company decides that it needs something that no one asked for because, you know, that’s what an iPhone was when it first came out. The plucky trillion-dollar company sets out to build one and travels the world slaying unsuspecting production managers across the lands to the far east of its kingdom and making them feel really bad about not being good enough to build something that no one ever asked for.

At the start of Act II, our hero has become a legend because all the villagers in a place called Metaverse (no relation to any place, person, or thing) have started to build altars of worship where they sacrifice their dignity and skepticism to appease the trillion-dollar company that became a legend and a god, later. The villagers of Metaverse are convinced that their new god is going to come along very shortly and smite headaches, artifacts, and general shoddy design with a miracle of end-times proportions. The end of the normals who don’t hold the same faith that they hold, the faith that has been awaiting the perfect headset.

The villagers start to see things. They see visions if you will. Visions of heaven on earth, a headset of such brilliance that it will lay all doubters to waste, and finally make the real world obsolete. As Act II closes, a bright shining light appears over the crest of a hill, and although the hill is really big, the villagers are pretty assured that by the summer solstice, a great gathering will reveal it that is hidden behind the light, a mighty helmet worn by their god.

But Act III, a mercifully short one, cuts in, and a young, humble financial analyst who Tweets a lot, suddenly cries, “Whoa! I don’t think so.” There is no god because of macroeconomic conditions and general issues in the supply chain. The curtain comes down. The villagers go back to picking on some guy who is on an efficiency diet and seems to like to give out free headsets even though no one really wants them, but it’s free, and who’s going to say no to a billion-dollar hubris when it’s right there for the mocking?

As a critic, I want to say that this story looked like it was going nowhere but then someone said I should stick around for the second act, and I still didn’t get it, and let me tell you, I had popcorn to finish and I decided to stay for the third act and now it makes me wonder why I didn’t leave during the middle of the first act when I could have gone and watched a really good documentary like Succession (Logan Roy is real).